Arranged Marriage without Consent
Within two minutes of meeting her you already know that Priya is desperate to escape the marriage tradition that threatens to dash he future on the rocks. From the moment she reached marriageable age her parents have been on the look out or a prospective groom, and after a flurry of horoscopes and photographs exchanges, they have at last whittled down a list of over a hundred eligible bachelors to one. In under a year she will be forced to walk around a sacred fire with a man she has never met and has no desire to marry. And until then her family is keeping a close eye on her movements through the city, monitors her e-mail correspondence and demands she come home by 9:00 to be sure that she doesn't do anything that could sully her reputation.
"This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me," she says, adding, "they are forcing me to do this, it's like I'm under house arrest."
Before her family set the marriage mechanism into motion, she had an active social life, male and female friends and a short string of boyfriends. By day she works for an NGO raising awareness of AIDS in public schools and spends what little free time she has she spends applying for admission to clinical psychology Ph.D. programs in the United States. If the marriage moves forward she will have to drop her plans.
Over the weekend she was ordered to dress in a sari, wait alone in a sealed off room and prepare tea for her future in-laws. No one seemed to notice that she was crying when she came out to serve the tea.
While arranged marriages can work quite well (my own in-laws are a shining example) there is a problem when people are forced into it against their will. It seems to me that in the wake of the E-revolution in urban India, arranged marriages are increasingly contentious. As young people are nurtured on free trade of ideas and independent work ethics, being pressured into an arranged marriage is not only a shock to "western" sensibilities, but shows that the shackles of tradition can trump everything else.
For now Priya is doing everything she can to break the arrangement, but her parents turn a deaf ear to her requests.
posted by Scott Carney @ 10:50 PM
24 comments
24 Comments:
There seems to be some contradiction in this story - she has had friends, even few boyfriends but she will marry a man whom she hasn't even met?! I find that hard to believe because its clear she is educated and will have an opportunity to at least meet the guy.
The example you blogged about does happen - I know few cases personally. But its with people who never have interacted with the opposite sex and have had a very sheltered upbringing.
By and large progressive parents limit themselves to introducing young men and women. They often talk and meet few times before making their decision.
gg
Scott,
Isn't a girl who is applying for Ph.D programmes mature enough to say No to the parents. Legally she can't be forced into marrying anyone they don't want to. Yes, emotional blackmails can happen and people do end up agreeing to keep their parents happy. But if she is doing EVERYTHING she can to break the arrangement as you say, then I don't understand how the 'arrangement' will still go ahead.
BTW just curious, is this her real name and her actual photograph to create awareness of the forced marriages?
This is exactly what BBC and CNN show about India. They have poor / no knowledge about India and dont try to learn. They just leave craps. No offence please. A person who is trying to pursue a Ph D in US of A is being pressurized to marry some one whom she has never met. Right !!
A lot of people have made some interesting comments here that it is really not my place to reply to. However, I would like to clear some things up.
1) This is real. I have known Priya for about there months now and this weighs heavily on her mind.
2)That is a photo of her (though she doesn't like the photo for aesthetic reasons)
3)It is odd that people think that just because someone has gone through higher education that they don't have severe family pressures at home. The two are not exclusive.
Scott I am not saying that just because one has done or considering doing Ph.D they don't have pressures at home, emotional blackmail exists at all levels. But what i was getting at is, someone who has presumably done her masters can't be a naive 18 year old, she must have certain amount of knowledge about her rights in the country. Education does not stop family pressures but it certainly does give you a broader outlook to life and makes you well aware of the various options. I am tempted to say that if she is going ahead and marrying a guy that she doesn't want then she must have her reasons. Good Luck to her.
And as to the photograph I hope she realises that she has been featured in this post, I just think that sometimes the desi blog world behaves oddly and things get out of proportion and the last thing you might want is someone who knows her/her family, to be reading this. But then again maybe its just me being my usual paranoid self here, never mind.
Scott,
I agree with your point 3) - last few months have been an eye opener for me on similar issues faced by people I know.
I guess in all honesty (and I'm not proud of it), I would have attributed such behavior to some states/communities. This happening in South India or Maharashtra raises my eyebrow.
Hope I don't invite flames..
-gg
WA also makes some very wise observations.
gg
> This happening in South India or Maharashtra raises my eyebrow.
ggop has clearly not ventured out of his cocoon. I would actually expect it in South India, traditional society and all.
I would like to repeat Scott's claim that education has nothing to do with pressure to get married. Education, unfortunately does not change social attitudes.
Education has nothing to do with arranged marriage or going against the same.The problem lies in our culture.The effects can be good or bad depending on the circumstances.Girls in India are taught/trained right from a tender age of 3 yrs regarding respecting the elders and there parents,sitting properly,cooking,dress sense,taking care of the house,keeping a distance from the boys & not to look at them,to behave like a women,never to raise your voice or use abusive language.....the list goes on.There thoughts are chained at a very tender age and though they might go to a very good school/college the upbringing can leave a lasting impression which totally overshadows all bookish education.Yesterday,a article came in the newspaper that a girls parent complaint to the police regarding a boy ( a fisherman)who refused to marry there daughter after having sex with her at a wedding function!The boy claimed that who would want to marry a girl who sleeps with a man before marriage! This is exactly the problem we are facing in the society.The boy took advantage of a girl and after using her blamed it on the system.Girls in India are usually victims of many issues and they are forced to compromise,keep quite etc..The stigma an Indian girl goes through is really painfully......the system and culture needs to be rectified till then the best of education cannot be of any help.
Long post....
JDS
Either she can choose to get into a situation where she complies with the requests of the family or she can take a stand. If you choose to live a life where the centre of your universe is other people's happiness, that is entirely the inability to take a risk or to trust one's own decisions.
She's free to walk out of her house, choose to support herself and say no. My guess is that nobody is going to file a case on her. If her parents threaten to harm themselves, she'll just have to call their bluff. It's ridiculous to blame habit for lack of will.
It's when people who are capable of controlling their lives appear to bow down to safety of convention that it becomes annoying.
Besides, what relationship isn't arranged? When is it not based on careful consideration of the other's background and possible future?
She has my sympathies, but frankly if she succumbs to such pressure - her education has done her no good.
//Over the weekend she was ordered to dress in a sari, wait alone in a sealed off room and prepare tea for her future in-laws. No one seemed to notice that she was crying when she came out to serve the tea.//
Scott - this particular part is over exaggeration, even in girl's seeing ceremony (for want of a better word), it is in front of her family and relatives. You seem to have succumbed to sensationalising this issue
//Over the weekend she was ordered to dress in a sari, wait alone in a sealed off room and prepare tea for her future in-laws.//
And yet, you mention she is marrying someone she's never met.
Sounds like you are high on something. Oh, and I see that Chenthil mentioned that a girl isn't made to "wait in a sealed room".
Get your facts right and stop contradicting yourself.
Just to clarify. All of the information in that post was related to me directly from Priya. I don't have any reason to doubt that she was in a room alone while her parents discussed the arrangements with the future in-laws. She came out to serve tea.
I wonder why so many people are accusing me of getting this wrong based only on their notions of what "must have been going on" in their minds. It is as if these commenters can channel the divine wisdom of tradition and predict how ever action is supposed to occur.
And you were calling me condescending?
Just to clarify Scott, no one called you condesceding. None here. I had called you pseudo-condescending elsewhere. Which is quite different really.
Hello Scott,
If you are willing to disclose Priya's phone number and/or address via email, please say so right here on this blog. I know some people who can talk to this girl, and/or drill some sense into her parents, and thereby get her out of this mess. I can ask them to email you. Otherwise this whole exercise is just pointless blogosphere rhetoric.
I think that the last thing she wants are 500 people from the Mangaa knocking on her door telling her she should take her parents to court. It isn't a good idea to post her contact information on the internet. However, if you would like to post some useful links to resources that someone like Priya could use to extricate themselves from situations like this that would be great. Please feel free to leave links here or e-mail me and I will post them for you.
"Shaayad unka aakhiri ho, yeh situm
Har situm yeh sochkar hum seh gaye"
Mr Carney, you DO try us sorely.
A good way to take action is to get the groom *alone* and talk some sense into him - didn't he have enough sense to see she was sad and in fact crying during the whole 'tea serving' thing?
Which educated man in his right senses wants to marry a woman forcibly?
Believe me, as a prospective groom who has met many girls thru the 'arranged' way, the first and foremost thing I do is to make sure (to my utmost capacity) that the girl has no objections to the marriage and is not bring forced in any way. only then we try to determine if we are compatible etc.
...and the fact that i'm single is becuz i have said no to a few girls and some of them also said no to me (*gasp*)! yes, all this happened in an arranged marriage setting, believe it or not!!
Why do so many people (indians, especially) get upset when the wrongs of this country's society is pointed out? I agree with Scott.
UPDATE: As of today it seems the wedding has been called off because of Priya's protests. It seems that parents are also no longer talking to her and have threatened to no let her go to the USA to study. That however, could change as well.
Great news. Not surprised that the parents are protesting by not talking to her, its kind of expected. Let them sulk for a while, they will get over it eventually.
oops the above anon was me
I think she needs to be firm, she can threaten or blackmail back to their parents -- and some of the comments say that this can expect in south india, sorry guys you are in ancient times, being myself from Madras(now chennai), those days are gone, nowadays girls cannot be forced to arranged marriage, again we have to accept, whether its north or south, this problem exists, but donno the percentage, I think many of the parents are very clever nowadays, accepting love marriages saves them loads of money, because they dont have to pay dowry, etc.
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