Arranged Marriage and Divorce

Salon's advice monger, Carry Tennis, published a letter this morning from an Indian woman in an arranged marriage who has begun to have second thoughts.

The woman, a 29 year old veteran of only three relationships, went through the normal arranged marriage rigmarole, interviewed, Googled, swapped horoscopes and generally checked out her prospective groom before finally taking her seven steps around a sacred fire and moving briefly to the United States. Three months later, after her first fight the couple separated and she moved away--back to India, presumably. Now she wants a divorce.

Carry Tennis, in a great feat of multi-cultural deference, did what many American writers do when dishing advice to people from cultures they scarcely understand. He differed on the side of caution and told the woman to start pumping out children, making money and generally moving on with her life. After all, she was an Indian and had to stick to tradition. It was a bit of safe advice that completely misses the mark--and certainly doesn't address the woman's situation. Rather, he assumes that India is a conservative society and the more she rocks the boat the more trouble she will be in. Boat rocking is best left to Americans.

Divorce happens. It even happens in India. No one should be an advocate for pre-emptive divorce, but so many people find themselves chained into relationships that they can't escape and place a higher value on a bout of temporary social turmoil than they do on a lifetime of unhappiness.

Arranged marriages can work. But just like love marriages, they can fall apart, too.

Tennis probably didn't see was that this woman was writing to Salon precisely because she wanted advice from a foreigner. While Americans generally assume that India is stuck in the backwaters of tradition, many Indians assume that Americans are so caught up in being "modern" that they will divorce at the drop of a hat. Most likely she wrote to Tennis so that she could find someone who would give her some impetus to move forward with a divorce and pursue her heart instead.

Tennis should have given her some support.